How to Stop Masturbating

Much of the material on this website concerns overcoming varying forms of sexual transgression including masturbation. Helpful advice for ending a habit of masturbating can be found in several other articles and in Questions and Answers.

In this article, we are presented a general guideline, including practical tips for kicking the habit and an Eleven Step Torah Plan that is certain to help if applied in a committed and fervent fashion.

Boredom

Many people maintain that boredom leads them to masturbate. If this is the case with you, then keep busy. Find extra work or study. Take up a hobby, join a club, do some volunteer work, and engage in more sports. Keep yourself busy and keep out of the house.

Feelings of loneliness

Other people report that feelings of loneliness drive them to masturbate.  So try to be with people. Join a men-only sports club. Once again, get out of the house so you won’t be alone. The best thing you can do is start spending time in the study hall of a yeshiva and learning Torah. There you will meet happy, friendly, and positively people who will surely help bring you out of your darkness.

Feelings of depression

Also high on the list of things that lead people to masturbate is melancholy and depression. Rabbi Kook explains in his book the “Lights of T’shuva” that sin is the source of depression. The soul of a person whose life is filled with wrongdoing has a natural feeling of sadness which turns into depression with continued sin and the passing of time. The solution, Rabbi Kook writes, is a sincere course of repentance. Once a person abandons his mistaken behavior and returns to the pathways of Torah, the light of G-d will enter his life and drive his depression away.

Another thing is to avoid feelings of guilt and to do things that make you feel happy – activities in line with the Torah, of course. Another helpful thing is to realize that masturbation doesn’t make depression go away. The fleeting pleasures soon passes and the depression remains, and is even strengthened because of the guilt and sorrow in the heart, and because of the damaged caused to a person’s spiritual channel of “Daat” which is associated with the workings of the brain.

Sexual urge

The sexual urge is one of the strongest of man’s passions. Often people who indulge in masturbation describe powerful physical sensations and actual physical pangs in the groin that (they believe) can only be quenched through sex or masturbation. To reduce these feelings to normal levels that can be overcome in other ways, it is important to reduce the stimulations that trigger lust. Most important on the list is to avoid gazing at women, or at videos or photographs of women whether on the Internet, television, movies, or in newspapers, magazines and the like. The old adage, “out of sight, out of mind” is very true. Exotic literature and other things that arose sexual fantasies are also to be avoided. Certainly one should avoid being alone in the house with a computer, and any computer one uses should have an anti-porn filter, of which he doesn’t hold the password and code. Once again, physical activity, exercise and sports are important elements in reducing tensions that can lead to feelings of lust. On the spiritual side, sin, especially sexual sin, creates harmful spiritual agents called “Kelipot” which act as spiritual mosquitoes tormenting a person into more and more sin. This creates a physical tension that drives people to look for sexual release. Going to a mikvah as often as possible helps to drown out these negative forces. The study of Torah is also a very powerful tool in driving these “demons” away in the Torah’s healing, laser-like light. The more one studies Torah, the more he purifies his being and sheds the layers of spiritual impurity and pollution which encase a transgressor and drive him on, like an addict, to additional sin.

Of course, single men are advised to get married. In addition of fulfilling the great commandment of marrying, embodied in the first commandment of the Torah to be fruitful and multiply, the love, happiness, and life-sharing business of marriage keep evil forces away and provide a holy outlet for the sexual urge.

Married men who admit to masturbating as well need follow all of the advice above, including not gazing at other women, and not viewing forbidden things on their computers and cell phones, and not engaging in immodest sexual relations with their wives which serve to fire their lust rather than to douse it. They also should increase their study of Torah when they have free time, since the study of Torah weakens physical lusts. They also need to work on a greater reverence for G-d, and to work on improving character traits. Especially important is learning to be happy with one’s lot, and not to seek after extra personal pleasures.

Looking for a high

Often people say they masturbate to experience a high. This is related to feelings of boredom and in not being contented with one’s lot. Modern capitalist, consumer society, with its constant bombardment of commercials and new products that “you can’t live without out” has created a need for constant and instant gratification. People waste their lives running from one new “high” to the next. For many people, being alone in a room without television or a computer would be a painful incarceration. Masturbation offers a cheap and readily accessible high. Only it’s really a down.

Once again, learning to be happy with one’s lot is the key. Learning to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. Interestingly, since the craving for attachment to G-d is the ultimate basic drive behind all of life, and the ultimate high, people who are driven toward illicit pleasures, are really searching (unbeknownst to themselves) for the “high” of connecting with G-d, which is the greatest pleasure there is. The true place for this exquisite connection with G-d is in the World to Come when the soul isn’t limited by the physicality of the body, but a taste of its great joy can still be had during our life on earth through the attachment to the Torah. The solution is to re-channel misguided lusts into a longing for G-d. Once again, spending time learning Torah with others in a yeshiva, or at Torah classes, or with a regular study partner, and connection with Torah scholars will bring about the happy, “high” feeling of connectedness with the Divine.

When torah learning doesn’t do the trick

There are many yeshiva students who will admit that they still masturbate even though they study Torah. This is a sign that they haven’t done real repentance for their youthful sins and are learning in a blemished state, still surrounded by “kelipot” or impure husks that are dulling their spiritual sensitivities and the joy of their learning. The answer is a concentrated period of t’shuva, designed to rectify blemishes to the Brit caused by their masturbation. In addition to their Torah learning, going to the mikvah on a regular basis and the recital of special prayers called “Tikunim” are highly recommended by the masters of the secrets of the Torah. Examples of these prayers are posted in the Kabbalah section of this site.

Another thing that causes Torah learning to seem flat and joyless occurs when one is concentrating the brunt of his learning on sections of the Torah that don’t give him the “high” that he could find in other branches of Torah learning. For example, some people prefer learning Aggadah more than Halachah. Others prefer learning mussar and emunah. Others enjoy Tanach. And there are souls which only find true happiness and rest when engaged in the secrets of Torah. While the goal is to learn everything, our Sages tell us that a person can only properly learn Torah in the place where his heart desires. If a person spends too much time learning matters that cause him inner tension, he should lessen his time in this branch of the Torah and fill up the time with learning that gives him pleasure.

Added reverence and love of g-d

Coupled with everything is developing an added love, along with an increased reverence and fear toward G-d as our Maker and King. This comes through prayer and Torah study. One must pray with all of one’s heart and begged G-d to bring him to this higher level.

One must live with the awareness that G-d is always with us, wherever we are, outside on the street and in every room in the house. Just as a person wouldn’t masturbate while someone else was watching, all the more so when he is aware that the King of kings is observing all of his deeds. Imagine that a “Google-earth” satellite camera was recording your every move – would you masturbate? Would you masturbate if you knew that a video of your doings, along with your name, was going to be posted on “youtube” for all the world to see?

The eleven torah steps

A compulsion to masturbate is an addiction like every other addiction and can be treated accordingly. In the Pornoholics Anonymous section of this website, we took the famous Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and applied them to pornography addiction, with the added powerful perspective of Torah. These same steps, with a little modification, can be applied to a masturbation addiction as well. When adopted over a course of time, they can be used as a guide to weaning oneself from the habit.

  1. We admitted that we were powerless over lust — that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves, the One and Only Creator, who gave the Torah to His nation Israel, could restore us to sanity.
  3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d, and to cling fast to the commandments and the teachings of His Torah.
  4. We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to others, especially to a Torah scholar, the exact nature of our wrongs, and made a commitment not to repeat our mistakes.
  5. We were entirely ready to put our trust in G-d and have Him remove all of our transgressions through our heartfelt repentance, and to trust Him to help us correct unhealthy character traits, and to rectify our moral shortcomings and the spiritual damages we caused. We humbly begged Him to remove our shortcomings and forgive our sins.
  6. We took upon ourselves to immerse in a purifying mikvah as often as we could, and to stop gazing at women, or pictures of women, whether on the Internet, on TV or the movies, in magazines, or in the street.
  7. We set upon a course of constant repentance (t’shuva,) making a daily personal inventory, and if we erred and sinned as before, we promptly admitted it to G-d.
  8. We fervently prayed to forge a constant, joyous connection to G-d, and spoke to him out loud, on a regular basis as a man speaks to a friend, admitting our weaknesses and fears, and asking for His help in all of our doings, placing special importance on the recital of Psalms, and the Bedtime Shema with great intention, and the midnight lamentation “Tikun Hatzot” over the destruction of Jerusalem, and special prayers called “Tikunim” like the “Tikun HaKlali” and Rabbi Leon Levi’s “Tikun HaYesod,” designed to rectify the damage we caused to the Brit.
  9. We took upon ourselves a loving, joyous, and diligent commitment to Torah study for its own sake, including the study of the secrets of Torah, applying ourselves to the learning with the same fervor and passion we once wasted on vanity; and we sought out inspiring Jewish sages who could help illuminate our learning, knowing that it was in the power of the holy Hebrew letters of the Torah to heal the damage we caused to our souls, to the world, and to the letters of the Torah contained in our holy semen which we defiled because of our selfish deeds.
  10. We took upon ourselves a new heightened level in the fear and reverence of G-d, including a heightened concentration in our daily prayers, in the recital of blessings, and in the proper performance of the commandments, including (for married men) the sanctification of the marital union, accepting stringencies upon ourselves, rather than pretending that immodest behavior was perfectly all right.
  11. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles with all of our strength and with all of our hearts, with the supreme joy of knowing that G-d has forgiven us and created us anew.

A patient, steadfast commitment to these 11 Torah Steps is sure to bring healing to ones soul. An important thing to remember is, “Don’t worry – be happy.” As Rabbi Nachman of Breslov teaches, “The whole world is a narrow bridge, but the most important thing is never to be afraid at all.”

 What is So Bad About Masturbating?

Several articles and Questions and Answers on this site address the problem of spilling semen in vain from various points of view.

Here, we will try to present a general overview, gathered in large part from the book, “Taharah, in Halachah and Agadah,” compiled by the famed “Nahar Shalom Yeshiva for Kabbalists” in Jerusalem. At the outset, it is important to know that while the transgression is very severe, G-d is ever willing to accept all those who return to Him in heartfelt penitence, as set forth in other articles on this site.

Treasure chest of souls

One of the commandments that is performed with the greatest joy by the Jewish People is the brit milah, the circumcision of a child on the eighth day after his birth. In doing so, the father enters his son into the brit, or holy covenant, between G-d and the Jewish People. This covenant, first commanded to our forefather, Avraham, distinguishes the Nation of Israel as G-d’s special treasure (segulah) amongst the nations of the world. In stamping the seal of the covenant on the sexual organ, G-d is telling us that we are to safeguard the holiness of our sexual lives and rule over the powerful lusts which accompany it. This holiness, precisely on the organ of the body that is responsible for the continuation of Jewish life to future generations, is the foundation of our holy nation and our connection to G-d.

This continuation is insured by the holy life-force contained in a man’s semen, which is often referred to as seed or “zera” in Hebrew, because of its potential to generate new life just like with the seed of a fruit. The “zera” contains not only the physical and genetic life-force of new birth, but also the holy soul that is brought into the world when a child is born. Each Jew contains a treasure chest of these holy souls, which originate in the bank of souls in Heaven. The Kaballah teaches that this treasure chest of souls is housed in the brain. Sexual arousal causes souls to leave the brain and travel along the eighteen vertebrae of the spine (paralleling the eighteen blessings in the Amidah prayer) down to the sexual organ where they join with DNA empowered seminal fluid before being ejaculated from the body. Scientists report that anywhere from one-hundred million to three-hundred million sperm leave the body with each ejaculation. When this occurs in the holy context of the marital act between husband and wife at permitted times when the wife is not in Niddah (her menstrual period including the extra days when intercourse is forbidden) the ejected souls which don’t bring about fertilization are spiritually recycled to the “soul bank” in Heaven, and nothing is considered wasted. This is also the case if the wife is already pregnant, or cannot conceive because of some other reason, and when the marital union doesn’t bring about a pregnancy, so long the marital union is conducted at permitted times.

However, if a man engages in forbidden sexual relations, or has relations with his wife during her Niddah days, or if he masturbates for his own personal pleasure, or has an ejaculation of semen due to erotic thoughts or premature ejaculation, the semen is considered wasted and the souls are lost to the forces of impurity and evil in the world that feed off the life-giving power of the souls which they capture. In this case, rather than safeguarding the treasure chest of souls which the King has granted him, and which he made a sacred covenant to keep when he entered into the covenant of the Brit Milah, the man wastes myriads of precious holy souls – miniature building blocks of life.

Someone who acts in this fashion is like a person who was given a valuable treasure by G-d and then wastes it on empty self-gratification and personal pleasures, thus strengthening the forces of evil in the world instead of the good. Regarding this person, the Book of Proverbs says: “As a madman who shoots fire-rockets and arrows and death, and says ‘I was only playing’” (Mishle, 26:19).

In contrast, a person who rules over his passions, and the powers entrusted to him, is like a prince of the King who rules over the kingdom entrusted to him. Instead of being ruled over by his evil inclinations, he raises himself to being the pinnacle being of Creation, directed the life-giving forces of creation in their proper holy path. In doing so, he brings health and wellbeing to his life, his body, his family, his surroundings, and the Jewish People as a whole.

The severity of spilling semen in vain

We learn from the Torah regarding the deaths of Yehuda’s sons, Er and Onan, for spilling their semen in vain, that their actions were “evil in the eyes of the L-rd” (Bereshit, 38:6-10).

In several places, the Zohar emphasizes the gravity of this transgression. Our Sages have said: Those who spill seed in vain are under the penalty of death and are subjugated to banishment, They are called evil, wrongdoers, and betrayers of the faith. They are like those who spill blood, and like those who worship idols. And it is as if they bring a flood upon the world. They are not allowed into the private chambers of the Blessed One Holy Be He, and violate the prohibition against adultery. They are compared to beasts that have no portion in the world to come. They cause the prolonging of the exile, delay the coming of Mashiach, bring suffering to world, and cause the gentiles to have dominion over Israel. They will not merit to see the face of the Shekinah, the coming of Mashiach, or the revival of the dead…. (Niddah 13A; Kallah, 1:19; Kallah Rabbati, 2:4; Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer, 23:1-3.)

How are we to understand that spilling semen in vain is like the spilling of blood – a refined way of saying murder? It is because of the life potential in the “zera” which goes wasted. Spilling seed in vain, whether through masturbation or other sexual transgression, destroys the living essence and complete genetic potential in the sperm cells that are wasted – something which can readily seen under high-powered microscopes. For inside the ejaculated seminal fluid are worlds upon worlds of life.

In the same light we can understand how the Sages can compare the spilling of semen in vain to bringing a flood upon the world. In the eyes of the Creator, the murder of a single human life is a horrible thing – how much more so the destruction of multitudes, like the Flood did in the days of Noach and during the Tzunami in our time! When we realize that a millimeter of seminal fluid contains over a one-hundred million living sperms, and the myriads of souls that are joined to them, each one capable of becoming a newborn child, we can understand the truth and wisdom of our Sages in describing the loss of life in terms of the horrendous devastation of a flood.

The spilling of semen in vain brings about depression, confusion in the mind, weakness of faith, physical illness, problems with livelihood, problems with children, and marital conflict. The prayers of people who abuse the Covenant of the Brit go unanswered. They find Torah study listless, feel alienated from holy matters, and are given to unseemly traits such as anger and pride (Taharat HaKodesh, 116).

According to the Kabbalah, someone who spills his seed in vain destroys his “mazal,” the Divine good fortune destined for him. This is because in wasting the life force granted to him, he discards the Divine blessing accompanying it. This is hinted at by the first Hebrew letters of spilling seed in vain, “Motzee Zera L’batillah,” (מזל) “mazal.”

So devastating are the consequences of spilling semen in vain that  the definitive compilation of Jewish Law, the “Shulchan Aruch,” states that it is forbidden for a person to willingly cause himself an erection outside of the marital union, or to bring himself to have sexual fantasies. For this reason, a man should sleep on his side so as not to cause an erection (loc. Cited; also Oruch Chaim, 63:1).

Birth control

Married couples should not use birth control methods without proper rabbinic supervision because the commandment to be fruitful and multiply should not be neglected or postponed on one’s own decision, and because there are methods of birth control which are considered spilling semen in vain (“Igeret Moshe,” Aven HaEzer, Vol 4, 74).

Tshuva

The warnings of the Sages regarding spilling of semen in vain are directed at those people who continue in their transgression and don’t repent. However, people who turn back to G-d in sincere and constant repentance, with a commitment to stop their wrongdoing and begin a higher level of Divine worship, G-d accepts them with mercy and love (Zohar, Shemot 214). And if a person helps others to give up this wrongdoing by explaining its harmful consequences, this is considered an exalted form of atonement.

Virtues of guarding the brit

Safeguarding the brit of sexual holiness is compared to keeping all of the Torah. He merits to cleave to Hashem. The Shechinah accompanies him and doesn’t abandon him ever. He is granted Divine protection and healing.  He draws down Heavenly blessing on himself and his family. He is praised in the Heavenly Court. He merits to have righteous children.  He is honored by G-d and granted dominion over earthly matters. He status is like that of the High Priest. The fountains of esoteric knowledge are opened for him, and he comes to possess admirable traits. He finds joy in Divine service and is exalted over his enemies. He brings the Redemption closer and forwards the rebuilding of the Temple. He is spared from the sufferings that precede the Mashiach, from painful deaths and the agonies of the grave. He will merit to see the Holy One Blessed Be He in the future world – the greatest bliss that there is. He is called holy, perfect, tzaddik, and valiant. And through his merit in guarding the brit, Israel enemies are turned away (Taharat HaKodesh 59).

Final blessing

The compilers of the book, “Taharah in Halachah and Agudah” have a concluding blessing to the chapter on Shmirat HaBrit which we have summarized in this article:

“Fortunate is the man who guards over himself and exerts himself in guarding the brit in the proper manner. It is necessary to note that due to the modesty surrounding these matters, many rabbis don’t not speak openly about this subject, which is so important to the public, and due to our many sins, a great many people don’t realize that they are committing grave transgressions which have wide and far-reaching consequences. Therefore, fortunate is the man who makes these matters known in a widespread fashion. The merit of  helping others come closer to Hashem will be a shield to them, and they will be  blessed with righteous, holy children. May Hashem fill the wishes of their hearts and bestow goodness and blessing and joy, granted them long, healthy and happy lives, ample livelihood and and every good, Amen.”